Breathe
by sunnymadden
Summary: My first Lilith piece. A one shot about how Lilith opens up about herself in a journal entry. Written before her affair if that says a lot.


**2 AM and I'm still awake, **  
**If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, **  
**Threatening the life it belongs to.**  
**And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd,**  
**Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud.**

It really was two in the morning and Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane could not sleep for the life of her. It was drizzling rain outside but that was not what was bothering her. Nor was is it her husband's mumbling in his sleep. She got over that little sleep nusance years ago. Feelings of anxiety pulsed through her restless vains and she decided maybe she should move around. Maybe not; she didn't want to wake the baby up. Frasier could have a brass band play in his face and it wouldn't budge him out of his sleep.

That's when she had the idea to grab her journal and pen. In times like this it was always good to jot down your feelings. At least, that's what she always told her clients. She sighes and figures no time like the present to test it out for herself.

She crept down the stairs and cringed with every little creek. She felt like a teenager sneaking into the house after staying late on a hot date. She just wanted to be alone with her thoughts and not be bothered. This was going to be her time.

She had found herself at a virtual loss by the time she tries to put the blue ink to white paper. Come on, Lilith, she thought to herself, there has to be something to write. She looked around at her now lit study room. This was where she did her pshyciatry "homework" and kept her beloved books that kept her life's work worth while. A-ha!

_I am truly blessed. I have a job that I'm passionate about and it's perfect for me._

She then looked at a picture she kept of her then infant son and smiled. She had filled with pride when she looked at that picture. His cute, mousey face with beautiful chestnut hair and chocolate brown eyes. He had just started smiling by the time the picture was taken and she was delighted by how often he would do it.

_My beautiful son! How I'm proud to be this little cherub's mummy! I only pray he grows up knowing that. I can only hope for myself that I treat him better than my own mummy treated me._

She frowned at the idea of becoming just like her. No, she thought, I know I won't. I know what being treated as a unwanted feels like. You try to prove and give everything of yourself to the point of exhaustion by the age of twenty. Exhausted from always trying to excel and putting up this wall because you can't stand the hurt from the outside...and then it hit her, she was crying. She wiped away a tear in disbelief, she couldn't remember the last time she let herself cry.

_I'm actually crying! I haven't cried since my wedding night with Frasier. After our total rite of passage lovemaking that night, I was overwhelmed with euphoria, satisfaction and love. Mostly the love that I felt. The way Frasier's eyes would light up whenever he saw me. I have never experienced something so profound. He doesn't look like that anymore, I've come to realize. I feel our relationship has gone somewhat stale and that scares the hell out of me. I think I still love him the way I used to. If I don't, well, I just pray someday I will find a way to get him back._

The sound of thunder sent shockwaves through the house. It made Lilith jump out of her seat. She was waiting for Frederick to cry out any moment, but he didn't. He must sleep like his father. Breathing a sigh of relief, she tucked the pen and journal away in the desk drawer and locked it. She then turned out the light, closed the door behind her and crept back up the stairs exactly the way she crept down. She made a beeline for her spot on the bed next to Frasier and settled back in once again. That didn't mean she fell right to sleep, however, she laid there and watched the rain pound hard against the window.

**'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable.**  
**And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.**  
**No one can find the rewind button, girl.**  
**So cradle your head in your hands.**  
**And breathe... Just breathe, **  
**Oh breathe, just breathe.**


End file.
